Shallow Sleep Chapter One
by human autopsy
Summary: True hurt. Not hurt like you fell and cut your knee. Hurt like you had held out your heart to someone and they took it from you and stomped it to the ground. This time you weren't going to dust it off and hand it back to me. This was the last time.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

The storm in the summer skies had ceased and became and little less darker abyss. I sat there on the bench. It all started with this bench, this pond, and this dark sky overhead. I sat there staring off into the rippling waters when leaves started falling into the pond more feverishly. I brushed the hair out of my face... that's when I saw you. You, looking so lovely by the cherry tree, smiling and walking toward me. Is it possible for a heart to beat so fast you feel like it would just burst out of your chest.. and for it to stop at the same exact moment? I drew in a breath as I gazed at your beauty. Your smile shined so bright I felt like I could go blind. Is this how Romeo felt when he found his Juliet? I glanced to the pond again. It was so clear and so pure with few ripples. I felt like the pond, my love for you so clear and pure. This truly did feel like Romeo and Juliet -- Love at first sight. I looked back up and you stood before me still smiling. Every body of water has its ripples like every relationship and nothing can stay beautiful forever. Nor can it be perfect. I never believed in perfection because perfection is fake -- it doesn't exist. I begin questioning my beliefs... You smile and extend your hand towards me.  
"Greetings. My name is Aoi."  
I look towards the voice making that sound. It sounds so much like velvet. I shake my gaze away from the pond and look up to you. I notice your hand is extend and I fumble with my words.  
"Ah.. um... my name is... Reita." Your smile is so blinding I had to look back over to the pond. You kept speaking but the silent sounds of the pond drown out your every word.  
"...I'm sorry if I disturbed anything.. it's just..."  
It's just what? Why did you stop? I shift my gaze towards you to find you also looking upon the same pond I was just entranced by.  
"It's beautiful," you silently whisper and look into my eyes. I feel you search my eyes for something, for anything. I look down at your hands and feel so stupid. You must think of me as rude, don't you? I was so mesmerized by everything I forgot to shake your hand. I bite my lip momentarily and you furrow your brows.  
"I must be going home.. there is work to be done and nothing is happening. Reita, it was nice sharing this scene with you." You stand. "Until we meet again?"  
I nod as you extend your hand and this time I shake it but something clashes with the soft skin. Something rough.. and you force it into my palm. You smile and bow to me. In return I bow my head. As you gracefully walk off below the dark skies, I look into my palm. It's a piece of paper with neatly scribbled numbers on it. I lean my head back and look into the black sky and a smile slowly spreads across my face. This is just like modern day Romeo and Juliet.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

The breeze was gently blowing today. The sun shone brightly. My hand slipped into my pocket and clenched the neatly folded paper I had recieve the night before. Perhaps the weather was trying to tell me something. I gingerly took out the paper and unfolded it. Moments had passed in slow lulls. A sigh escaped from between my lips as I stared at the numbers. Should I? What if it's all just a joke? Surely it couldn't be. I mean.. he SAT with ME. Damnit... what was his name again? I always listen to people, why can't I now? My eyes ventured over to the picture on the wall to the picture of Kai and I. Kai was trying to get me to eat some of his food and I just wouldn't do it. Secretly, I love his cooking but I can't let him know that. He'd boast to the whole world if he knew that one! I decide to pay Kai a little visit but first thing is first -- A ciggarette. That will help clear up my mind somewhat. Perhaps Kai may know a little information on this mysterious guy. I pull out a ciggerate and light it. I want to know more about him before I make my move I decide as I let out a cloud of smoke, still staring at our picture.

I don't bother knocking on the door once I arrive, the door is always open to me. I walk in and hollar for Kai.

"Kai? KAI! Where are you man?"

"ONE MOMENT REITA!"

I relax on the couch expecting this to take awhile but there Kai is, stumbling into the livingroom with only a towel on to cover your lower half and another towel on top of your head. I roll my eyes.

"How many times have I told you Kai? I'm not interested in seeing what's underneath that towel." He blushes a little at my remark and runs off to go get dressed. I look about the room taking in all of the old memories. I smile a little at the picture of Kai and Ruki having a whip cream fight.

Kai skips back into here and looks over at the kitchen smiling. "Alright," I say as he smiles even bigger running off to go fix a meal.

"ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU'LL LOVE MY COOKING!"

"Keep dreaming Kai! I only eat it out of politeness!" Kai babbles on about things and I add in a few words every now and then so he thinks I'm listening whilst the whole time my hand was clutched on the paper I was given the night before. What little fingernails I have dug into my palm and made it bleed from the pressure.

"IT'S READY! DIG IN!" He proclaimed as he walked over to me to hand me a plate.

"Thanks" I mumble as if it's the worst thing in the world. "Um, Kai.. I have a question."

"Ask away!"

"Well.." I don't know where to start. I don't even know his name? I play with the food on my plate while I figure out where to start. Kai puts down his chopsticks and looks at me concerned. "I really don't know were to begin. I mean, last night I was at the park, right? This guy... he walked up to me. I don't remember his name. He told me but I was too busy with the damn pond. He was... beautiful. Everything. Everything about him was beautiful. He had a lipring.. God he was amazing. His hands.. they were so soft."

"Reita! Slow down. You don't remember his name?"

"No... nothing. I only have this note he gave me. It's his number..."

"WELL THEN WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?! LET'S CALL HIM."

"Now?" I ask with heistation.

"Of course now! Why not now?"

"Aren't you suppose to be the shy one, not me?" I ask him as I pull out my cellphone and dial the number. He simply shrugs.

It rings.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

My stomach seems to twist and turn, knot itself and detangle to do the same thing over and over in the same second. I look over at Kai at the corner of my eye. His dimples are showing from the smile he is wearing. I glance over at Kai and give him a pleading look. He extends his hand and I give him the phone. As soon as he puts the phone to his ear there is an answer. I could only tell because his eyes widen by the sudden response.

"Aoi-kun, I'd like to speak with you in person. Sorry about last night.. I was zoned out. Hai. 6 O'clock? Hai hai. Arigatou gozaimasu! Sayonara."

I was there, looking at Kai the whole time. 6 O'clock? Thank you? What did he get me into...?

"I love playing this dating game! Can I play it more with you?! Maybe next time it can be you and Kyo!"

As soon as Kai said Kyo, it sent shivers down my spine. That man scares me. "I'd rather you not Kai. I'm 26. I want to settle down now."

"Maybe I could come along.. I could put something in his drink. Some kind of love potion. I could make supper for you two!"

"You know Kai." I said as I stood and put my arm around his shoulders. "I think you've done enough. Arigatou." With that I put him in a headlock. He squeals like a little baby. He can be so cute at times.

"Douitashimashite!! Douitashimashite!! HELP!"

I let go of him and I feel my pockets for a cigarette. "What time is the magic happening and where?"

"The bamboo bushs by the pond at 6."

"Is that so? I think I'm going to pay someone a visit first..."

"Who?"

"An old friend." I found my cigarette and lit it. I looked up at the wall infront of me as I lit it. I laughed at the picture. It was of me hugging Kai. I looked over at Kai and rolled my eyes.

"What...?" He asked as I made my way out the door.

Sayonara."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

I walked down the sidewalks for about 6 blocks until I sighted my destination. I gazed up at the house for a moment. The house seemed to touch the clouds. Before I am even able to knock on the door, I'm attacked. The arms that are around my waist seem to cut off all blood and air flow. Finally, I am released by my attacker and stumble backwards. He vigoriously bows to me. I catch my breath and then bow back to him.

"KONNICHI WA!"

My hand is grabbed as I am lead into the house.

"SIT SIT REITA-SAN! SIT!"

I am brutally pushed down on the couch and he sits next to me. It's no other than Miyavi.

"What brings you here? I've missed you!" Miyavi said as he grabbed his camera and took a snapshot of us. I have to blink a couple of times before I can answer. Why did I come here? Did I think I could talk to him about it? I can't talk to him about it... of all people..

"Reita-san, aishiteru. I've missed you. These days without you have been killer." He took a picture of him crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue. Oh his tongue.. the things he could do with it.

"I'm sorry Miyavi-san. I've been very busy. I.."

"It's lonely here Akira." His eyes seemed to well up with tears. He rested his hands in his lap. Something that is rarely seen. Miy always seems to never sit still. One time he laid on the couch for half the day and I took him to the doctor thinking he was dying. He was diagozied with lazy-ides. "Please... visit me daily? If it even becomes a hassle I'll come to your house. I really don't mind. I want to be with you as much as possible before the tour starts. I wish we could go on tour with each other again Akira-kun."

I couldn't say anything. I sat there looking at his hands that rested in his lap. I put my hand on his. "Aishiteru."

He looked up at me and smiled unevenly and tried to choke back his tears. "Aishiteru..." He opened his mouth like he wanted to say more. I had to stop him so I put my index finger on his mouth. I couldn't bare to listen to anymore he would say. All these words were breaking my heart and all my feelings I had for him were bubbling up again. I pull out my cellphone and check the time. It's 4:30 and I figure I should start making my way to the bamboo bushes. I put the phone back in my pocket and smile to him. If he only knew what I was doing. This is horrible... I can't stay any longer and wittness this. As I looked back up at him he was playing with his lipring with his tongue.

"Stopp..." I moan out. I know what he's trying to do. It's not working. It's not working... Okay it's working.. but I'm not going to go through with this.

"What?"

"I've got to go." I say as a frown forms on his face.

"Why...? You just got here.."

"I've been here for 2 hours."

"You can stay as long as you'd like. There arn't visiting hours here, you know?"

"I'll hang with you tomorrow."

"But.."

"But nothing." I say as I give him a peck on the cheek. "Aishiteru."

"Aishiteru Akira-kun."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

The clouds move overhead as I walk down the sidewalks again. Is this right? Should I be doing this? _ In a shallow sleep I dreamt I would see you... that nothing had ever changed.. _Those little lines played in my mind... over and over again_. "An artist without a brush, can't paint upon the canvas.. without you here there is no color... a colorless landscape..." _I sing aloud.

"Why?" I ask as I watch my feet moving down the sidewalk. "Why did you have to show up? I don't even know you but I love you. My head is in a whirl. My heart is exploding. I love you so much that it's tearing me apart piece by piece."

I visit the office supplies store before going to the park. While in there I buy a pad of paper and a pack of two pencils. I rip out a few sheets of paper and hand the rest of the pad to a kid who walked past me. When I arrive at the park, I sit on the very same bench I met you at and draw out the landscape on one of the three sheets of paper. I had another idea at 5:45. I walk over to the bamboo bushes smiling as I remember the moment when Miyavi and I felt infinite. On the piece of paper I had in my hand, I scribbled down my wish and tried to place it on the highest bamboo stalk. Never could I reach as high as Miy could. So I tried a little harder. Standing on my tip-toes I still couldn't reach. I simply put it on the stalk I could reach. I thought maybe if I could reach the highest stalk.. then my wish would be granted.

"Need a hand?" you say as I am startled by the sudden voice behind me. I turn around and blush a little.

"I was writing down a wish on a paper and placing it on the highest stalk I could reach hoping my wish will be granted. Does that sound corny?"

"No. It doesn't. What did you write?"

"I can't say.. or else it won't come true." I really wanted it to come true. Maybe I was being a little too paranoid but I didn't want to take my chances. Thankfully, you understood and nodded your head.

"May I?"

"Surely." I hand you my last piece of paper and my pencil and watch as you write down your hidden wish.

"Secret." You say with a smile and I can't help but to smile back. You put your paper by mine.

As we sit down on the bench I look out towards the pond and the flowers surrounding it and was reminded of a quote. "Did you know, during a flower's whole life it doesn't know its true beauty. And a knife hurts more when it is pulled out rather than being stabbed?" Miyavi had written me a song a long while ago and those were a few of the lyrics.

"Touching.. Have you seen your own beauty. Truly?"

The question threw me off guard. I don't think anyone can see themself clearly. It's more left up to the other person.

"No." I bite my lip and you turn your head to get a better look at me.

"Reita-san. Look more. Look beyond everything. I don't just mean your physical beauty. Look beyond that. Gaze into your soul. Right now, that might be hard to understand but if you try.. you'll see yourself blooming. You'll know your true beauty."

I couldn't say anything. I was at a loss. Never had anyone said something like _that _to me. I lift my head up to look at you in the eyes and ask, "Have you seen your true beauty?"

"I'm not a flower."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

I pull out a cigarette and light it whilst sitting out on the front steps thinking about everything. I blow out clouds of smoke and stare out at nothing. It's been a week since our last meeting. Miyavi has come over everyday annoucing his love to me. Miy is going to find out one of these days and I'm going to be completely screwed. I don't know what I would do if he ever found out. I don't think I could live with myself knowing I hurt him. Sure, we had a great thing back then but we still do. I can't ruin him. Miyavi is too precious to ruin.

_"On that day, that day I walked away in December. I'll always remember, I'll regret it forever. I remember brown eyes so sad in blue skies turn to darkness at night, I'm so sick of the fight. I won't breathe unless you breathe. I won't bleed unless you bleed. Won't be unless you be, until I'm gone and I can sleep." _A tear ran down my cheek and it felt like my whole world stopped turning. I staggered when I got up and fell over on the couch when I got inside. I dreamt.

_You, who gave my life new meaning, were sitting next to me on my bed. We talked some and we kissed some. It was heavenly bliss._

_"Do you love me?"_

_"Uh-huh." I replied._

"_How much?"_

_"More than all the stars in the sky."_

_"Do really mean it?"_

_That's when Miyavi walked in the door. It only took one look at Miyavi and I knew my answer without a thought process._

_"No." I looked up at Miyavi and despite what I had just said, there was hurt in his eyes. True hurt. Not hurt like you fell and cut your knee. Hurt like you had held out your heart to someone and they took it from you and stomped it to the ground. This time you weren't going to dust it off and hand it back to me. This was the last time. It went too far. You saw his hand on my knee. You saw me gazing into his eyes like I had never seen anything more beautiful. I realized at that moment that he was the knife and you were the flower. Through it all, he told me the truth. He wasn't a beautiful blooming flower. He knew what he was and he knew his purpose. He was the knife that helped me to rip you apart piece by piece. At the next moment, I was in third person. It was like I was looking through a window watching my whole life come apart. And there was nothing I could do about it. I watched as I ran after you to the bathroom and banged on the door for you to open up. And then there was a..._

I awoke screaming and drenched in cold sweat. There was a knock at the door so I calmed my breathing and got up from the couch. I open the door and there you are. There was a sudden urge to slam it on your face and telling you to go away and never come back but it was just a dream. Just a dream... right? So I invite you in and show you around the place. You say it's nice and look around the livingroom a little more. I watch you and wonder how you found my place.

"I had looked up the phone number you called me with about the bamboo bushes to discover the address was to Kai's house. So I asked this Kai if he knew were you lived and he gave me the address. Here I am. The flower in disguise inside your livingroom." He said with a smile.

I cringed when he said that and looked away. I decided to take a seat on the couch and you sat down next to me as I did so. My lip was going to be gnawed off if I kept biting it like I was. My hands began to shake so you held them gently and looked at me.

"What's one thing you hate?"

"Regret."

"Why?'

"And breaking people."

"Breaking people?" You ask very confused.

"I hate breaking people."

"I don't understand, Reita-san."

"Would you break me?"

_"Never."_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

**One Month Later**

On a white piece of paper using a black ink pen I wrote a letter.

_Dear my friend,_

_You're beautiful._

_I love you._

_I can't keep this from you anymore because it is hurting me so much and I can't imagine how much this is going to hurt you. I hope we are still square after this. I hope this doesn't tear you apart. The thing I want to tell you is that I am with a guy. We aren't really dating but it's enough. Miy, we had a really amazing thing so long ago and we are still friends after it. I really want us to continue being friends because I don't know what I would do without you. You're pretty much my life._

**Two Days Later**

I walk over to Miyavi's house because I haven't heard from him in quite some time. It scares me this time because I'm not tackled. Maybe he isn't home. I set the letter on the counter two days ago and I haven't heard a reply since.

As I walk inside the house I find it empty and still. The silence was deafening. I look around the livingroom and the kitchen to find a pink piece of paper with red ink.

_Dear heartbreaker,_

_I love you so much._

_It's okay, you didn't hurt me, love. You fucking destroyed me. You weren't just "pretty much" my life. I lived for you. My whole world revolved around you. Could you tell the public I won't be doing any more concerts? Would you not come into the bathroom? I'm in a shallow sleep..._

There was a blood smear on the paper and a few dried blood drops that had dripped onto the flooring. I ran as fast I could. I tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge. Screams, pleading sobs, and grunts of strenght came flowing out of my mouth at the same time as I tried to get the door to open. After bruising my whole right side for five minutes I am finally able to get the door open. I came in so fast I almost tripped and slipped in the blood on the floor. As I looked down a scream of horror came out. There you were. Dead. On the floor. I looked around the room really fast and took it all in. On the mirror you had written with your own blood, "Blow those fucking words back into your head." I couldn't stop crying. I sat down in your blood and I held you close. "What have I done? Why? Why did I have to do it? Please... wake up. Tell me this is all a dream. Tell me this is some sort of sick joke. I've always loved you and only you. PLEASE! Don't do this to me. Don't to this to us. I never meant it. I take it back. I regret doing this. Please!! You mean the universe to me! I also miss touring with you! I wanted to do it so bad. Wake up so we can get things packed! Your fans are waiting for you. You have to put on one Hell of a show. Jesus Miyavi!" I couldn't say anymore. I had a knife through my heart and I couldn't pull it out. "I put this all on myself and I put it on you. You got the worst end of the deal. I promise I will see you again. I promise I will make things right. I promise to take away all of your pain and put it all on myself for the rest of eternity. Aishiteru." Was all I could say before I passed out on you. I didn't dream this time. It was a black void. There was nothing there for me. I couldn't dream anymore. I don't deserve dreams. Quickly when I awoke, I grabbed my cellphone and dialed for the ambulence. They arrived 5 minutes later to find me in a bloodly mess and you dead on the floor. I was questioned to see if I had murdered you. Finally, it was decided Miy commited suicide. The pyshcologist said he did it because he felt he had no on else in his life. He had no one to turn to. I guess he didn't want to turn to his fans because he wouldn't want to scare them. He loved his fans. His fans loved him. Miyavi would sit for hours on end reading their fanmail. Some sent mail to him daily and he always expected to hear from them. Some did this because they felt like it was nice to have someone to listen to them even though he may not reply back. Miyavi had no one to listen to him because I left him the little note of my presence...

The sun didn't shine that day.


	8. Chapter 8

No more stalkers, kay? Just review!

& I researched this stuff.. it sounds crazy but it's true! -Shrugs-

And none of this is TRUE about the characters

& I own no songs or characters.

Chapter Eight

Ever since Miyavi has been gone from my life, everything is in black and white. There is honestly no color. The crystal clear pond doesn't mean anything to me anymore. It's just a pond. It always was.

_"In a shallow sleep I dreamt I would see you. Just how I remembered, brimming with tenderness. And somewhere in the calm, I feel that nothing had ever changed. Your presence close beside me til I wake."_

The bridge is what really had me going.

_"An artist without a brush, can't paint upon the canvas. Without you here... there is no color... A colorless landscape."_

That verse is what personified me the most. It hurt. But that's how I felt. When I was with you my life was a beautiful flower garden. Full of color and viberance. Now, my flower garden is dead. It is black and white. The garden has no life to it. Flowers are wilting and decaying on the ground.  
_"I tore off a single damp petal from a hydrangea. It floats in a puddle, and I remember you"_  
_"If I can ever meet with you again, even in a dream... Let me have eternal sleep. The dream, from which I have been waking up, is vanishing. Your arms and beloved voice is slipping away. Because I will meet with you again because I made a promise."  
__"I want to fall asleep, just feeling the fear of awaking. I want to forget everything. It is selfish nonsense. I call your name. I go mad with the silence. I shouted while holding your thin shoulder, it was too frail with warmth."_

Would my wish be granted in time? You are coming over in a few minutes so I better make this quick.  
_"Inside of the light, I saw my youthful memories. Even the soundless smile is happy right now I can't return to that time ever again when we were laughing."  
"Let me have eternal sleep."  
_I didn't bother closing the door. I grabbed the sleeping pills from the cabinet. The razor slid gently against both my wrists and I wrote on my mirror "I'm sorry" and took the 60 sleeping pills I had crushed and washed it down with vodka. I said I couldn't live without Miyavi in my life and frankly, I was tired of trying. Maybe that makes me sound weak. The rain pounded on the windows as I looked out to see if you were here yet. You, the one who ruined my life. Or was it really me? Did I ruin my own life? And take the most precious thing in the world down with me? Lightening struck and I heard the kitchen door creak open. My breathing started to slow and I felt completely numb. Tears started rolling down my cheeks when you walked through the door. Everything was a blur but I could still see you doing the same thing I did with my reason to live. You held me close.  
"Please forgive my dying breaths."  
You scream and plea. I'm too far gone. Put away your cellphone. There's no going back now. I don't want you. I want Miyavi. The pills are having more effect and I can feel my organs shutting down as I fall into sleep.  
And there you are. Smiling at me with both arms extended surrounded by the bright white light. My beautiful flower.  
"Welcome home, Akira-kun."


End file.
